More on some comments I received about growth vs. stability.
"I believe there are two types of people: those who value growth (and accept change) and those who value stability (and avoid change)." ~ Me
When I posted this, one of the comments I received was:
"...and I'll bet lots of people are insisting they want and value both! Accepting change can be a part of either position; welcoming or even seeking change would demonstrate placing value on growth."
I replied:
"I would agree that it is a continuum, and definitely not black and white. Still, I think the person who equally values both is a rather rare."
I would also like to add that I think change and stability are natural opposites. If something is stable, it implies that it is not changing. If something is changing, it implies that it is not stable. I guess the exception would be if something is changing in a very consistent and predictable way.
Later she wrote:
"I've been thinking on this... I think 'balance' would be more about shifting from one mindset to the other as needed. Valuing both simultaneously seems meaningless."
I am talking about an overall tendency to prefer one over the other, not an in the moment preference. I believe that most people tend to value one over the other. For example, if a person is given a choice between two jobs:
Job 1: The position involves moving to a new city. It offers a great opportunity to learn new things and work with experts in the field. The new salary makes up for the costs of relocating.
Job 2: The position is doing what the person already knows how to do. The position and salary are guaranteed for three years. This position does not require a move or any significant lifestyle change.
I think even reading this very general example, most people will "lean" one way or another. One person might think "in that case, I would definitely go for it and move," while another might think "I would pick Job 2 since it seems more stable." I also believe that people who strongly value stability have a definite aversion to change. It is my experience that they do not easily accept change as a common component in their life.
All is Well! Todo está bien!
Mark
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Ch-ch-ch-changes
"I believe there are two types of people: those who value growth (and accept change) and those who value stability (and avoid change)." ~ Me
When I posted this, one of the comments I received was:
"I like your comment, Mark. -- I'm the one who values stability. I really want to grow, but change really really freaks me out."
Most personal development coaches and experts would probably respond with things like:
- "Change is inevitable. You can't avoid change."
- "You are either growing or you are dying."
In my opinion, valuing stability over growth is equally as valid as valuing growth over stability. Neither is inherently superior or better than the other, although there may be those who disagree with me.
My original reason for differentiating between the two was from a relationship standpoint. For my own personal experience as well as observing clients and friends, I believe that in a life partnership situation, it is important to know which you value more: growth or stability. Then, you want to find someone with the same values. My experience is that when one person values growth and the other stability, the couple has a very strong tendency to grow apart.
The reason for this, I believe, is that growth will take place at different paces. The growth-driven person will tend to grow faster, while the stability-driven person will tend to grow slower. At the beginning of the relationship, where you are in the same place, this may not seem evident. However, over time, a gap is formed. The growth-driven person often has break-throughs and to the stability-driven person, it may appear that they suddenly and drastically change.
In my own life, I am a growth-driven person who was married to a stability-driven person for 21 years. The way this played out for me turned out to be a common scenario. The stability-driven person starts to notice the gap. They believe they can "tame" the growth-driven person. So they try to stabilize them. The growth-driven person, on the other hand, starts to feel the need to help the stability-driven person when they notice the gap beginning to develop. The growth-driven person wants to drag their partner along, often by giving advice or, worse, preaching and evangelizing. in the end, the growth-driven person feels like they have out-grown the relationship and their partner. The stability-driven person feels betrayed because they don't know their partner anymore.
Now, let's get back to my friend who values stability. If you are a stability-driven person, of course you can grow, develop, and improve. You will, however, be more comfortable if you do it at your own pace. This may mean gradual baby steps with long periods of grounding in between. The important thing is that your approach is perfectly valid for you. Every person is unique and therefore their path is also unique. The slower pace does not mean they are not developing or improving.
Imagine you have a big oak tree in your backyard. Every Friday morning, you take an axe, go out to your backyard and take one swing at the big oak tree. For the first few months, it may not seem like you are doing anything to that tree. Over time, however, eventually that big oak tree will fall. Yes, maybe it takes years, but eventually you will chop it down.
Everyone has their own pace and their own values. I hope you will honor your own pace and values. If change freaks you out, that is perfectly fine for you. Take a baby step. Find your balance. Take a deep breath. And when you are ready, take another baby step.
All is Well! Todo está bien!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Memories of My Grandfather
My grandfather loved to tell the story of how he met my grandmother. My grandmother came to the US from Poland when she was 17. My grandfather's parent had come from Poland, but he was born in the US. When my grandfather was young, he would always go to mass at the same time every Sunday. Well, one day, he overslept, something that was very unusual for him. So he had to go to a later mass.
As he was sitting in mass, a young lady caught his eye. When the mass finished, he went to car to drive home. As he was pulling out of the parking lot, he noticed that the young lady who had caught his eye was now walking home with a couple of her friends. It was winter and western Pennsylvania is all hills, so he naturally offer the three women a ride home from church. They accepted and all got into his car.
He said that we kept looking in the rear-view mirror as he drove to check her out. He made sure to drop off the other two young women first. When it finally came time to drop her off, he asked her if she would like to go for a drive that evening.
Thus began a courtship that would end one year later with the two of them eloping. His parents and sister opposed their relationship, but he would not be denied. She was the love of his life and remained so. Their marriage lasted 70 years until my grandmother passed away several years ago.
While I will miss my grandfather tremendously, I know that he has finally been reunited with his sweetheart. I am sure they are out driving around right now.
John M. Andres (December 10, 1911 - July 16, 2009)
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Let Go, Let God and Icebergs
Up front, I should mention that I believe in the Abraham-Hicks(.com) view of the Universe. In this view, we are simultaneously both physical and spiritual beings. I think to explain it using the metaphor of an iceberg.
The exposed part (or tip) of the iceberg represents the physical being. This is the part we are aware of every day. It is like are so caught up in the fresh air, the polar bears, and the sunshine that we forget that we have this other, greater part of us under water. That part is the spiritual side and the ocean is the spiritual realm where we are all connected in a "spiritual soup" so to speak.
According to the Abraham-Hicks materials, in the physical world which we live in, the creative process has three steps:
1. Ask - you launch a desire
2. Answer - the Universe immediately yields this to you on the spiritual level
3. Allow - you have to come into alignment with your desire to receive the results in the physical world)
In the non-physical (spiritual) world, there are only two steps.
1. Ask - you launch a desire
2. Answer - the Universe immediately yields this to you on the spiritual level
We are made up of two parts:
1. Ego - which is focused on the physical world and experiences that world
2. Spirit - which remains focused on the spiritual realm and connects you to Source Energy
How the Process Works
The ego experiences the physical world including things that are wanted and unwanted.
The experience of unwanted things creates contrast between what is wanted and unwanted. For example: when you rent an apartment with a small kitchen, you realize you don't like small kitchens.
The contrast creates desire naturally and often unconsciously. This desire is launched by your spirit and the ego may or may not be aware of this desire. For example: the contrast of the small kitchen creates a desire for a larger kitchen. This is step one: Ask.
Your desires are created on the spiritual level. You cannot control them. You want what you want and there is nothing you can do about that.
Source energy immediately answers your launched desire and provides you with what you want on a spiritual level. This is step two: Answer. Your spirit, since it resides in the spiritual realm, immediately begins to enjoy the benefits of the manifestation on the spiritual level.
Your spirit wants you to experience the benefits of the desire on the physical level as well, so it will help you try to attain what you desire. It guides you to the physical manifestation by providing feedback to help you come into alignment with your desire. This is step three: Allow.
The guidance or feedback mechanism between your ego and your spirit is your emotions. When you are moving towards the attainment of your desire, you feel good. When you are moving away from the attainment of your desire, you feel bad.
The way you move towards the attainment of your desire is by focusing on what you do want. The way you move away from the attainment of your desire is by focusing on what you do not want. So when you focus on what you do want, it feels good. When you focus on what you do not want, it feels bad.
When you try to deny or argue against your desires, you feel bad, because this is moving you away from their manifestation. So if my life experience has generated a desire within me to have a life partner who is physically attractive to me, there is nothing I can do about that. If I try to deny that desire, by telling myself that I am being shallow, or that I am not being spiritual, then I am going to feel bad. More importantly, I am going to be preventing myself from finding my life partner.
So how does this relate to the saying let go and let God?
The "let go" part is straight-forward. Letting go is the allowing which is step three in the process. I need to allow the manifestation to happen, in its own time, in its own way, to experience the benefits.
In addition, the "let God" part relates to both steps one and two. You can probably see how letting God means letting the Universe take care of step two in answering your desire. However, it also means letting God (your inner spirit) create the desire in the first place. This may seem uncomfortable to those who want to be in control. The implication is that you really do not have control of your desires and direction in life. Your spirit (God) is controlling that part. So the better way to allow your desires to manifest in your life is to hop into the passenger seat and let your spirit do the driving.
All is Well! ~ Mark
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Persistence
Persistence: "Continuing in a course of action without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure." Will Smith's character in the movie, Hitch.
Last week, I wrote about Angel Cabrera's victory in the Masters golf tournament and how he did not give up. This week, I want to speak from personal experience.
We know that the idea of competition is really an illusion. There is an unlimited supply to anything and everything--money, love, health, wonderful experiences. We really do not have to compete for anything in life. And yet, there are cases when we find ourselves in direct competition with someone for what we want. So what happens when there is direct competition? Who wins?
In sports, we often hear it termed as the winning team "wanted it more." From a spiritual perspective, whoever wants it the most wins, as long as they can keep their focus on the goal or prize. Focusing on the goal or what you want serves several purposes. First of all, if you are focused on what you want, the Law of Attraction will bring you closer to your goal. If you can keep your focus off the lack or why you have not yet achieved it, the Universe will do its part to bring your goal into reality.
In addition, when you are focused on what you want, you are in a "play to win" mentality. Your actions will be more relaxed, confident, and bold. I have said for years: Play to win. Don't play "not to lose." The fastest way to lose at something is to play "not to lose." When you play not to lose, you are tentative, nervous, and cautious. You are focused on losing and you will find a way to lose. When you are focused on what you want, you will find a way to get it.
The final benefit of keeping your eye on the prize is how it builds persistence. If you can persistently hold on to you vision of what you want, without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure, your actions will also be persistent. Hold on to your dream like a pit-bull and ultimately the Universe will yield it to you.
In my case, I have held on to a vision of what I wanted for a very long time. I was making great progress towards achieving my goal. Then, obstacles started to appear. Whenever I found myself focusing on the obstacles, I would do my best to shake that off and put my focus back on the goal. Even as recent as last week, there was strong evidence of opposition to goal. If I had been "realistic," I would have given up. But I remained determined.
And finally, I let go of any time lines. I had a deadline for achieving my goal. For some people, a deadline can be motivating, but I found it was creating resistance in my case. So I let it go. And I found within a matter of days, the opposition that looked so real a few days earlier suddenly vanished, as if by magic. Competition that appeared to be fierce and have a much higher stake in it than me, timidly stepped aside. Now, I am where I wanted to be.
And if I can do it, I am certain you can too!
All is Well!
Last week, I wrote about Angel Cabrera's victory in the Masters golf tournament and how he did not give up. This week, I want to speak from personal experience.
We know that the idea of competition is really an illusion. There is an unlimited supply to anything and everything--money, love, health, wonderful experiences. We really do not have to compete for anything in life. And yet, there are cases when we find ourselves in direct competition with someone for what we want. So what happens when there is direct competition? Who wins?
In sports, we often hear it termed as the winning team "wanted it more." From a spiritual perspective, whoever wants it the most wins, as long as they can keep their focus on the goal or prize. Focusing on the goal or what you want serves several purposes. First of all, if you are focused on what you want, the Law of Attraction will bring you closer to your goal. If you can keep your focus off the lack or why you have not yet achieved it, the Universe will do its part to bring your goal into reality.
In addition, when you are focused on what you want, you are in a "play to win" mentality. Your actions will be more relaxed, confident, and bold. I have said for years: Play to win. Don't play "not to lose." The fastest way to lose at something is to play "not to lose." When you play not to lose, you are tentative, nervous, and cautious. You are focused on losing and you will find a way to lose. When you are focused on what you want, you will find a way to get it.
The final benefit of keeping your eye on the prize is how it builds persistence. If you can persistently hold on to you vision of what you want, without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure, your actions will also be persistent. Hold on to your dream like a pit-bull and ultimately the Universe will yield it to you.
In my case, I have held on to a vision of what I wanted for a very long time. I was making great progress towards achieving my goal. Then, obstacles started to appear. Whenever I found myself focusing on the obstacles, I would do my best to shake that off and put my focus back on the goal. Even as recent as last week, there was strong evidence of opposition to goal. If I had been "realistic," I would have given up. But I remained determined.
And finally, I let go of any time lines. I had a deadline for achieving my goal. For some people, a deadline can be motivating, but I found it was creating resistance in my case. So I let it go. And I found within a matter of days, the opposition that looked so real a few days earlier suddenly vanished, as if by magic. Competition that appeared to be fierce and have a much higher stake in it than me, timidly stepped aside. Now, I am where I wanted to be.
And if I can do it, I am certain you can too!
All is Well!
Monday, April 13, 2009
The Only Way to Fail is to Give Up
I admit it! I like to watch sports. I do not let sports rule my life, but I enjoy watching sports some times. I often find that there are life lessons to learn. In particular, I enjoy watching the Olympics. I have many memorable images from watching the Olympics over the years--from the "Miracle on Ice," to Olga Korbut, to Bjorn Daehlie, to Kerri Strug.
On Sunday, April 12, I decided to tune into the Masters golf tournament to watch the ending. I am not a golfer and I do not really follow golf. I know of the main players like Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. Growing up with two parents who were crazy about golf, I know the basics of how to play the game. I made money in high school as a caddy. I just never developed the love for playing the game myself.
So on Sunday, I tuned in to see how the tournament was going to wind up. I had heard about Kenny Perry who was one of the leaders. At 48, if he were to win, he would become the oldest player to win the Masters. I was intrigued by this man who was playing the best golf of his life at an age where most professional golfers have retired. On the 16th hole, Perry's tee shot on the par 3 landed a few inches from the hole. The sure birdie would put him three strokes ahead of his playing partner Angel Cabrera and two strokes ahead of Chad Campbell who was in second place. To everyone, it looked like Perry would win for sure as he had played so consistently all tournament. However, Cabrera did not give up and he sank a long birdie putt on the 16th himself to stay only two strokes behind.
On the 17th and 18th holes, Perry's nerves kicked in and he bogeyed both holes, while Cabrera was able to par both. In the end, there was a three way tie for first place between Perry, Cabrera, and Campbell. At the Masters, they decide the winner through a "sudden death" playoff. They will continue to play hole by hole. If you lose a hole you are out until there is one final winner. They started by replaying the 18th hole.
Campbell hit first driving it right down the middle of the fairway. Cabrera went next but his tee shot went way right into the trees. The ball came down dead square behind a big tree. Meanwhile, Perry's drive went straight down the middle with Campbell's. To everyone, it appeared that Cabrera was done. Typically, with a big oak tree between the ball and the green, any player would have hit the ball side-ways just to get it back on the fairway. Not Angel Cabrera though! Figuring he had nothing to lose, he decided to try to curve the ball around the tree and advance it towards the green. The ball got past the tree in front of him, but smacked into another tree just ahead. I know that for a golfer, there is nothing more sickening than the sound of the ball hitting a tree. That sounds means you are now at the mercy of the golf gods and you have no idea where your ball will end up.
Luckily for Mister Cabrera, the golf gods were smiling on him. The ball bounced off the tree and slanted forward right into the middle of the fairway, but way closer to the green than had he merely punched the ball sideways. His gamble had paid off. Meanwhile, from seemingly perfect positions, both Perry and Campbell missed the green on their second shots with Campbell landing in a sand trap. Cabrera's third shot landed close enough to allow him to make his par put. Kerry also managed a par but Chad Campbell missed his par putt and was out. On the next hole, Kerry's problems hitting from the fairway continued and Cabrera became the Masters champion for 2009.
After his errant tee shot wound up in the trees, no one would have blamed Cabrera if he had given up or if he had played it safe. However, he did not give up and he never stopped trying to win. In the end, he did win. The lesson here to me is that the only way we can really fail is when we give up. If we make a mistake, if we take a wrong turn, if we put our tee shot in the trees, as long as we keep trying, we can find a way to reach our destination.
Recently, I have been faced with a difficult situation where, yes I admit it, I have thought about giving up. There was a point a couple of months ago where I was close to giving up. But I did not. And since then, things have improved greatly. I have not yet reached my destination, and there are still nagging thoughts every now and then. "Wouldn't it be easier to just give up?" Still, I know that I cannot give up, will not give up. So congratulations Señor Cabrera on winning your first Masters title. And thank you ever so much for reminding me that the only way to fail is to give up.
On Sunday, April 12, I decided to tune into the Masters golf tournament to watch the ending. I am not a golfer and I do not really follow golf. I know of the main players like Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. Growing up with two parents who were crazy about golf, I know the basics of how to play the game. I made money in high school as a caddy. I just never developed the love for playing the game myself.
So on Sunday, I tuned in to see how the tournament was going to wind up. I had heard about Kenny Perry who was one of the leaders. At 48, if he were to win, he would become the oldest player to win the Masters. I was intrigued by this man who was playing the best golf of his life at an age where most professional golfers have retired. On the 16th hole, Perry's tee shot on the par 3 landed a few inches from the hole. The sure birdie would put him three strokes ahead of his playing partner Angel Cabrera and two strokes ahead of Chad Campbell who was in second place. To everyone, it looked like Perry would win for sure as he had played so consistently all tournament. However, Cabrera did not give up and he sank a long birdie putt on the 16th himself to stay only two strokes behind.
On the 17th and 18th holes, Perry's nerves kicked in and he bogeyed both holes, while Cabrera was able to par both. In the end, there was a three way tie for first place between Perry, Cabrera, and Campbell. At the Masters, they decide the winner through a "sudden death" playoff. They will continue to play hole by hole. If you lose a hole you are out until there is one final winner. They started by replaying the 18th hole.
Campbell hit first driving it right down the middle of the fairway. Cabrera went next but his tee shot went way right into the trees. The ball came down dead square behind a big tree. Meanwhile, Perry's drive went straight down the middle with Campbell's. To everyone, it appeared that Cabrera was done. Typically, with a big oak tree between the ball and the green, any player would have hit the ball side-ways just to get it back on the fairway. Not Angel Cabrera though! Figuring he had nothing to lose, he decided to try to curve the ball around the tree and advance it towards the green. The ball got past the tree in front of him, but smacked into another tree just ahead. I know that for a golfer, there is nothing more sickening than the sound of the ball hitting a tree. That sounds means you are now at the mercy of the golf gods and you have no idea where your ball will end up.
Luckily for Mister Cabrera, the golf gods were smiling on him. The ball bounced off the tree and slanted forward right into the middle of the fairway, but way closer to the green than had he merely punched the ball sideways. His gamble had paid off. Meanwhile, from seemingly perfect positions, both Perry and Campbell missed the green on their second shots with Campbell landing in a sand trap. Cabrera's third shot landed close enough to allow him to make his par put. Kerry also managed a par but Chad Campbell missed his par putt and was out. On the next hole, Kerry's problems hitting from the fairway continued and Cabrera became the Masters champion for 2009.
After his errant tee shot wound up in the trees, no one would have blamed Cabrera if he had given up or if he had played it safe. However, he did not give up and he never stopped trying to win. In the end, he did win. The lesson here to me is that the only way we can really fail is when we give up. If we make a mistake, if we take a wrong turn, if we put our tee shot in the trees, as long as we keep trying, we can find a way to reach our destination.
Recently, I have been faced with a difficult situation where, yes I admit it, I have thought about giving up. There was a point a couple of months ago where I was close to giving up. But I did not. And since then, things have improved greatly. I have not yet reached my destination, and there are still nagging thoughts every now and then. "Wouldn't it be easier to just give up?" Still, I know that I cannot give up, will not give up. So congratulations Señor Cabrera on winning your first Masters title. And thank you ever so much for reminding me that the only way to fail is to give up.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
They Say Patience is a Virtue
This week I wanted to share a question I received from the Internet. My friend asked about how to deal with feelings of impatience. When we really want something we have a tendency to want it right now. So how can we deal with our own impatience?
I see two ways to change this: 1) increase your patience, OR 2) get what you want when you want it. You may want to try to work on both.
Increase your patience
To increase your patience, practice being patient. I used to be a very impatient person and these are some of the tricks that helped me a lot.
Pick the longest line. At a supermarket or when shopping somewhere, purposely pick the longest line. Alternatively, if there is only one line, let others go in front of you. As you are waiting, you can still see the end and you notice your progress to the front. While seeing the end, you have forced yourself to wait. Over time, by doing this, you will become more used to waiting and being patient.
Put waiting time to good use. When you are waiting, whether it is in line or stuck in traffic, put that time to good use. Do a mini-visualization or run through your affirmations. "I am patient and I know that everything happens in perfect timing" might be one to try out. If you have a goal card (you do have a goal card, right?), you can pull it out and go over your goals. You can list out all the things you are grateful for in life. With some imagination, you will find that you can always put that time to good use. In fact, you might even look forward to waiting in line or getting caught in traffic.
Get what you want when you want it
This is where you use the Law of Attraction rather than having it use you. When you want something, let's say a cup of coffee, you want the cup of coffee. The Universe starts to immediately give you the cup of coffee. If you expect the cup of coffee and believe you will get the cup of coffee, you will get it. However, if you feel frustrated or impatient, you feel that way because you are thinking "I don't have my cup of coffee." If you are thinking "I have no cup of coffee" the Universe then gives you "no cup of coffee."
This is the important part of the Law of Attraction to me. What we feel tells us what we are thinking. If we feel good, we are thinking about what we want (a cup of coffee) and the Universe is giving it to us. If we feel bad, we are thinking about what we do NOT want (no cup of coffee) and the Universe is giving us what we do NOT want. It is like a warning system.
When you feel afraid or worried, you are thinking about something that could happen that you do not want.
When you feel angry, disappointed, or sad, you are thinking about something that happened that you did not want to happen.
When you feel impatient or frustrated, you are thinking about what you want but noticed that it has not happened yet.
In my experience, the best way to get what you want when you want it is to always think about things that make you feel good. Any excuse to feel good will help.
All is Well!
I see two ways to change this: 1) increase your patience, OR 2) get what you want when you want it. You may want to try to work on both.
Increase your patience
To increase your patience, practice being patient. I used to be a very impatient person and these are some of the tricks that helped me a lot.
Pick the longest line. At a supermarket or when shopping somewhere, purposely pick the longest line. Alternatively, if there is only one line, let others go in front of you. As you are waiting, you can still see the end and you notice your progress to the front. While seeing the end, you have forced yourself to wait. Over time, by doing this, you will become more used to waiting and being patient.
Put waiting time to good use. When you are waiting, whether it is in line or stuck in traffic, put that time to good use. Do a mini-visualization or run through your affirmations. "I am patient and I know that everything happens in perfect timing" might be one to try out. If you have a goal card (you do have a goal card, right?), you can pull it out and go over your goals. You can list out all the things you are grateful for in life. With some imagination, you will find that you can always put that time to good use. In fact, you might even look forward to waiting in line or getting caught in traffic.
Get what you want when you want it
This is where you use the Law of Attraction rather than having it use you. When you want something, let's say a cup of coffee, you want the cup of coffee. The Universe starts to immediately give you the cup of coffee. If you expect the cup of coffee and believe you will get the cup of coffee, you will get it. However, if you feel frustrated or impatient, you feel that way because you are thinking "I don't have my cup of coffee." If you are thinking "I have no cup of coffee" the Universe then gives you "no cup of coffee."
This is the important part of the Law of Attraction to me. What we feel tells us what we are thinking. If we feel good, we are thinking about what we want (a cup of coffee) and the Universe is giving it to us. If we feel bad, we are thinking about what we do NOT want (no cup of coffee) and the Universe is giving us what we do NOT want. It is like a warning system.
When you feel afraid or worried, you are thinking about something that could happen that you do not want.
When you feel angry, disappointed, or sad, you are thinking about something that happened that you did not want to happen.
When you feel impatient or frustrated, you are thinking about what you want but noticed that it has not happened yet.
In my experience, the best way to get what you want when you want it is to always think about things that make you feel good. Any excuse to feel good will help.
All is Well!
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